


funky town by tarte

by special_weenie



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bad Dirty Talk, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Crack, I legit don't recommend reading this at all, Joke Fic, M/M, PLEASE don't take this seriously I cried like 3 times writing this, Rimming, Top Engineer, bottom soldier, poggers, scout makes a cameo to call them gay, what the fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:28:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25539544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/special_weenie/pseuds/special_weenie
Summary: soldier and engineer have the hot sticky sex( THIS IS A JOKE FIC PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION )
Relationships: Engineer/Soldier (Team Fortress 2)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13
Collections: Funky Town: A TF2 Soldier/Engineer NSFW Parody Contest





	funky town by tarte

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to thank my friend oliver for helping me complete this monstrosity. this was made for a fanfiction contest on a tf2 discord server. I recommend you read this out loud and have friends along. I hope you lose braincells. thank you

The soldier wakes up and stand up out of bed in the morning, Feeelling cold wind on body as goes to sleep with clothes on his floor. he go down and pick up his pant to put on his legs, does same with Coat and shoes. He then leaves his room and close the door after him to go into kitchen to make the food for himself and a water. In kitchen he saw the mEdic and look at him and his face is Mad as always and demo is there too In table, drunk. Soldier moves over, passing by Medi c because he is still mad. He hear footsteeps behind him so he turnd entire head to see and it was engin.eer.! Just as he thought to himself it was him for sure.

“H howdy Solldier boy. my A ENGINEERing up this a new building contraception so imma need to head into my workshot. Secuse me partner”

Soldier gave engineeR evil stare before move out of his way, “i see you later” he whisper under his breath, “little slut” 

Engineer;s ear Twitched at soldier muttering under his breath and turned to face his face. “Did you say something?. sol”

Slodier look across shoulde r and face engineer in his face, “Engiee.” he says, lookign him in hiseyes an says “you know what. i said. Are you deaf maggot?.” 

dell squinted behind his googles. “Why you dont’ say that in my face? Huh?.”

soldier squinted so much he closed his eyes, looking at texas man. “I do not see what you asking, engie. Im busy go off with youre toys.” 

Engine did not know soldiers’ eyes were closed but he cnnot see his eyes because of his googles anyways eh, “grrrrr…” he growl. “ i will forget about it for now... but meet me at my workshot later i want to show you a surprise.” 

“A sOUPRISE?!,,.” soldier screamed “it better be” he says, going to make the food as he was going to earlier before the engineer stopped him from doing said thing. medic look at soldier as he drink coffee and take demoman’s beer to drink for the german holliday Oktoberfest!

**3 hours later**

Engineer was still in his workshop working on his building contraception , he was almost done with his engineer because no one bother him, And he been drinkkkng coffee for the past 2 days. He was still waiting for ssolly man to come over and visit him for the soup.rise.”where is soldier/?.”

Soldier wal k up to engi workshot room and started to knock slow and very calm on the door but he got annoyed and move his body back and then forward, headbutted the door and fell into the workshot, he says “aight then, what is this surpriZEE?..?” he say, his head bleeed onto the wodeen floor under his boots, but he did not care, it was not his anyway. 

“SOLDIR what the fukc!!!!!.” the engineer gets up from his desk and run over to soldier, Picks him up on his shouldr, why he even….. “Youre bleeding! youre’.... i need the doc, he will knows what to do...”

Solliedr gasps, “WOW. ENGIE. Youer so strong, maggot!. You are small but very american mighty!” he says, shocked at engis stregnth. “But put me down!. I see this surprisesee?”,. 

“B-b-b-b-but youre bleedign I wantted to show you the suprays when you ok. If you don’t wants to go medic i have first aid kit here?.” engineer limp him towards his crusty ass mattress in corner of the room.

“I not need to go to fruitcake kraut face for help, i use your kit and i want to see your surprise, maggot. My head will be fine, right head?!.” soldier crossed his eyes and looked up to his forehead, but you can’t see because of his helmet. “It is fine! I want to see surpies now!..! Or i will break another door!.” 

“Ok ok i will show you the rusprise after i clean the bluod.” dell lets soldier sit on his mattreess and he go get first iad kit. He take out bandagaes and wrap them carefully around soldiers’ head helmet. “Why did you not wait for me to opens the door? Eh,solly?.”

“OKAY MAGGOT. Head first, surprise after!.” Soldier yelled again, not able to control his big loud mouth as easily as before. “AM YELLING?!.” he sits with legs crossed, then feels discomfort because of his cock in his pants being big so he then uncrosses legs and sits comfortablay on the materees. “Why you have bed in workshot engie?.” 

“Because i get sleepy sometimes when i work on the workshot. Ok i will show yuo the souprise now.” the dell kneels on the mattress right in front of the The soldier, leans in close to face. “I gonna take you to funky town boy.”

The american soldier look down at smaller american with question eyebrows, “oh.” he says. “This is surprise engine?. If you are going to touch me please Keep me groovin' with that energy, maggot.” soldier says, smirking at engine. 

Engineer smirks back. “then lay down solly….. I will show you aogood time, I will talk about it talk about it first though. I am going to fuck .you. I’m gonna make you shot real good boy.”

Soldier laugh, “you?. Fuck me, littleman.??” he laugh again, “stupid. But, if you Gotta make a move, then you Gotta move on.” he smirk again, only wider left mouth corner. “Show me how you fuck engine, i want to see what your size is, maggot,. You are probably small ha ha ha!?” 

“Heh. i will shows you what a true texan can do ;)” dell’s fingertips trace Down from soldier’s big big pectorials and slides onto soldier’s rock hard manly thighs, H . He continues doing this and lean in to kiss soldirs’ neck multiple times, feeling swaetdroops start to come off of soldier’s face. 

Soldier moans. “OH FUCK-!.” as loud as he can, “engine, you are touching my thighs, i like that.” he grins and bites his Bottum lip, “won’t you take me down to funkyutown, engine? With your cock,??” sol says and unbuckle him belt and pulls down pant, his COCK throwiing itself into view as he did not wear the underpants today,“My american cock is hard, engiee, but i want you fuck me, COWboy with that magnificent Cock of yours.” 

Engineer face becoming more red, but he is grinning with his whole teeths showing, “aight then, let’s do this texas style” he yeehawd and slipped down so that his face was at soldier’s big hard throbbing cock. He let out a warm breathe on it to feel soldier shiver and pogs and gave its a big suck. 

Solier moan, moveing his hands to engineer head to grab at his shoulder, he moan again an d says “yyou have a big mouth, why dont you just, shut up and suck my big cock, engine?.” soldier chuckles, his face was red as he was blushing. He look down and also try to move down to reach dell’ dick in his pants because he saw that it was bigger than yesterday. for sure.

The Dell look at soldier try to grab his memberf and chuckles around soldiers hot throbbigng dick. Sodier is getting desperate,good. He pulls back and uses his hand to pumps solly’s penis. “you know i herad u call me a slut in the hallway right?. look at you… you re whore, trying to go for my dick, is that what you want, eh?. my cock,eh?.”

“YES. SIR!~” GOD!, JESUS! FUCK! i will obey y-you if you fuck my tight asshole, engineer! I have waited for you for long time now and i will not wait another second, private! Listen to me and fuck my hole, slut!.” 

This is epic! Cowboy up!!! The Engine stand up and pushes soldier on his back on the custy mattress..”bitch. Lay down. I am going to fuck ou y hard, you’re gonna be screaming for Saxton Hale real soon” he shuckles off his overalls and eats. Soldiers ass like a bowl of yogurt, alternate between finger stretching the ring of mucsle open. “You like this, whore?” he ask panting.

“FUCKOH!. Enginern! P-p-p-pleaseee shove yuoer texan meat inside of my donut hole!.” Solier shouted, “before i shot, please, engine, i’m gonna shot and i want you inside meeee!,.” he whined a loud whine, begging like he was the slut not engineer. 

“Good slut…. you’re ready! He spanks, Soldiers ass a couple of times beefore pushing his head into soldier’s walls, groans. “damn….. Yore so fucking tight…!” he doesnt3 give soldier enough time to adjust before hes start moving, fast and even faster. Gotta move on.

Soldier almos cry, his helmet fell off and he hit his head on the wood..again. “engineer , you fuck me so good, im going to shot, im going to s-shot engineer! Please- please sir, please inside, so i can come, i want to come, sir.! I need your cum to be inside of me, make me pregananant with your baby, so heavy can eat it, engine!.” 

“Shot for me solly, shot so hard because of my dick, I want to sees you cum all over your chests” Dell reach soldier’ dick with his hand and start pumpings hiss in Rhythm. He move his hip even faster getting close. 

Soldier groan “aughhgg!,” he moan “ooh eNgineer~!” grit ttitng teeth, he buck his hips and shoots his shot early, but it doesn’t Matter because it felt good. “Oh, im shotting- GOD BLESS AMERICA!.”!. he breathe heavy and sees his CUM rope had landed on his chest as engine wanted. “Oh eNgIne, please Come forme!.” 

Panting hard engineer speeds up even more after seeing solier shots his seed all over himself. He grassp soldier’s hips and pound into him deep. “I-I-I’m shotting!!!!!!!” he before shotting his own cum inside soldier’s walls of flesh with a big YEEEEEEHAWWW. they stay like this for a while before engineer pulls out and lays on soldier’s big gay hairy chest. “………..how did you like going to fucky town with me, soldier?.”

Soldier shudder, “oh engineer, private, sir, that was very gud, i love when you take me down to funky town engine, we should do it again tomorrow or until we die!.” soldier laugh. 

Engineer laugh too then climb closer to soldier’s face to kisses him on chin. “Won’t you take me to funkytown? next sex time?.” 

“Next?!” soldier yell, “no time for next, only time for this time.” soldier yelled again, “come,” he says, laying his body back down on the crusty ass now cum stained mattaress. “Climnb on me, we can do a 69!,. And i can put my american sausage meat into your tiny texan mouth, maggot! You have big mouth and you need to be quiet!.” 

… Engineer think…. A 69 very boring sex time … but to put soldier’s american sausage meat in his hot texan mouth sounded delicious. Maybe soldier can put his american sausage fingers up his ass too. Maybe the whole hand, mayube. “Oh i’ll show you my big mouth alright” dell sit up and climbs onto soldier with his ass to soldier’s face. 

this is gay  
They fuck. For 300 more hours. They have done nothing but fuck for 3 days. They’re gonna fucking die. 

HELP.  
First time was good.  
Second was another 69, boring. (cringe and boring)  
HELP ME.  
THIRD was soldier favourite, he got to suck engine’s texan meat again and we all know texans have the best hot dogs. Of all time/ true.  
Fourth was dell’ favourite because solly scream like a real bitch.  
69th time i think they actually. Like actually dieded. 

Scout then walks past, drinking a bonk, “wow, you guys are gay, BUTTDICK!.” he then ran off. 

The end. Poggers dude.


End file.
